2004-12-28
on the fourth day of christmas ahna posted
Twelve ways of past Christmas time.
1.)Suburban Weed Nazi's wife no longer opens the door to neighbours so we cannot give her the box of candy we bought for Suburban Weed Nazi.
2.)All around town you can find those white wooden deer in sexual positions that they weren't in before the holidays. Now that Jesus is born, they are getting it on in over 3/4 of this town.
3.)Those new jeans I bought thinking I would look sexy in have to be slightly unbuttoned due to way too much Christmas consumption over the last three days. Oy.
4.)The radio plays regular music instead of Santa Baby every five minutes. Now they're just playing Los Lonely Boys every five minutes. Never a happy medium.
5.)Everything under the tree has been worn, opened, or returned.
6.)The media is going depressing story crazy trying to get us Americans to be in our usual national depression over the world's problems. Which we then must fix.
7.)Everywhere you turn you hear day after Christmas, week after Christmas, and month after Christmas holiday sales so you can ring in the new year with a new credit card.
8.)Eggnog is being sold for fifty cents to get it off the shelf before it goes bad. Rum sales coincidentally skyrocket.
9.)Gas prices go down even though the transporation department swears that 'we don't fix gas prices around the holidays for more sales'. To which I must reply 'I smell the sheet of bools Pancho'.
10.)Parents go back to work, leaving their children, who have off for only a week this year, with a list of things to do. Grumpy after holiday parents suck.
11.)Snow is no longer welcome among the block except for the Weed Nazi who transforms into the Snow Nazi with one pull of his Ariens snowblower 5005.
12.)Half of the school year is gone and the seniors scramble out to their mailbox everyday to see if that illusive acceptance package has arrived in the mail. No luck here.
That is why I can tell that it is no longer Christmas. If I were to have a New Year's resolution this year it would be to update this diary more. And your resolution? Well it should be to read this diary more. Not that I am begging for friends or anything. Shoot.
This has been your holiday sick diarist. Roll me over when it's New Year's Eve.
Quote of the day:"America is vast conspiracy to make you happy."-[John Updike]