2005-06-29
i need a little redecorating inside.
warning: this entry make actually contain real emotions. proceed with extreme caution. thank you.
so i have been spending a lot of time with paul. everything is fine and dandy on monday, we're 'acquainting' ourselves and it feels like something real, something tangible this time. more than i ever felt with ben. more than i have ever felt with anyone. of course it was going too quickly, and i knew that. but that's the only way i've known since i started being interested in relationships and that whole crusade. ahh what a word to use 'crusade'. what in the hell does that even mean? christ. forget that word was typed even though i am not going through the trouble of editing it out. mmkay.
yesterday he showed up at my house by surprise and we went to the beach. while listening to the nasty rap beats in the background and the children screaming their lungs out, he told me that we would have to take a 'few steps back'. like way back, into friendship. which is great, because i have never known a friend like paul, and i probably never will again. but i am an impatient person, especially when it comes to being in a relationship. before, everything else was fast and wanted and guaranteed. this...this is not.
he said he wants to explore my insides and find out what makes me tick first. he wants me to do the same with him. jesusfuck. i like his insides, he lets them show. his sleeve is covered in his heart, at least to me. i see his colours, i love his colours, i'd paint the walls of my house with his colours for the love of pete. but what about mine? sure i let a lot and i mean a lot show in my face, too much in fact. but inside, there are ugly colours. colours you wouldn't even use to make blacktop. they are down there resonating at the most inappropriate times. and someday they are going to come out and ruin whatever it is was that we had.
i guess my big fear is just that he's going to find me down there and hate me. and i'll be on the losing side of the soul once again.
we need to take this slow, i know this more than anything and that is what makes it so hard on me. our last relationships were car crashes. mine was heartless, his was a psycho. we both need this to work because we haven't felt like this for a long time. at least this is what we tell each other in the car, during the movie while everyone else is watching the screen, we communicate with our eyes. his blue eyes penetrate my brown ones and they hold on, they hold fast.
goddamnit. i have this huge fear of failure rearing its ugly head at me and i can feel the dark tide rise...
quote of the day:"Maaarrc, you panda jerk!"-[Katie K]--anchorman quote anyone?
french phrase de jour:"Une hirondelle ne fait pas le printemps(ew nee-roh(n)-del nuh feh pah luh preh(n)-tah(n))One swallow does not a summer make. Lit: A swallow doesn't make spring.--why would the literal and the taken involve two different seasons...?