2004-08-09
in the hall of the nest of the wasp king...
Bad luck follows me around like a bad stench.[not suggesting that I smell but who are you that I have to explain myself to..? yeah that's what I thought punk]We have wasp nests out by our back deck. And now last night we found a new one by our front porch. Hell why not, let's just populate the yard with wasps. Angry, horny, defensive wasps. Hoorah! Bring it on luck!
Yesterday I was cleaning out the pool[where did all the leaves come from..it's not fall yet]and an wasp exhibiting those three behaviours above came and stung me one time in the arch of the foot. Man alive did that hurt. So then the little bastard gets caught in my pant leg hem and is shaking his stinger something fierce. Which is about the same time he stung me in the toe. Now that one hurt the worst because he got most of his venom in there.
So I drop the net and run inside. Meanwhile Miss Linguist, who is deathly allergic to bees of any kind, starts taking over the pool cleaning duties. Literally, I had to pull her inside. Tis sad when the child has more common sense than the mother. [at least in most situations]We had to put meat tenderizer on the stings to draw out the venom. It didn't work because we didn't have right brand which has the perfect enzyme blah blah, so I drew it out with ice.
Miss Linguist picked up some foamy spray titled Hot Shot for killing wasps and weakening their nests so you can take them down. Last night during Law and Order[why god, buddha, jehovah, allah, aliens does it always have to be during law and orders I have not seen?] Miss Linguist told me to go out there and spray. Sure now she stayed away from the danger when she knew that the wasps would not enjoy being killed. Sacrifice your offspring before yourself. Let the heir to the family name die while you stay safe. Is that some kind of international thought or is it just because you're French?
And then there I was facing the nests. Now the nests are built underneath the deck so getting to them is a little difficult. I had to spray the tops and then shoot the spray underneath the deck and pray to god,buddha, jehovah, allah, aliens, whatever that I was hitting said targeted nest. Everything was going along swimmingly until one wasp woke up.[not framing or profiling one certain wasp but I bet you it was the same bastard from this afternoon ahem]He sleepily saw that his waspish brethren were dying and his queen was in danger of destruction, so he had to save the fort. He was the like the Aragorn of the wasp colony. Bad analogy. Whatever. Move past it. So he flies out and stings me in the chin!
IN THE CHIN![sorry anhnie I am suffering from asshole syndrome this morning. forgive the caps]Can you believe it? Stupid bastardface wasphead![could I win a name-calling battle...no I could not]The bottom of my chin is swollen and red. It burns something fierce and school pictures are in less than two weeks. If this stays on my face for senior pictures, you better bet I am not having them done. Call me vain, but I am starting to look good this summer and now this. Oy Ahna. Get past it. [I hear you all thinking it so I thought I would say it outloud.]
This has been your stung diarist. Perhaps the venom will travel my face and erase all my spots.
Quote of the day:"I think it is safe for you to spray them now. Go out there and get the job done. Salute!"-[a crazy, sadistic Miss Linguist]